TWILA Technicolor review
by TechnicolorMassacre
Summary: result of boredom and the need to bash other people's writing to feel better  because I'm THAT pathetic, I know.
1. Chapter 1

**So I see a lot of these around and I kind of wanted to do one too. So it's time for TechnicolorMassacre to review this. Be afraid.**

x**(Okay, that right there is a good indication that this is going to suck balls.)**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx **(Fuck the what.)**

CHAPTER 1

Hi my name is Twila **(Geddit. "Twila" like "Twilight" so clever! Not.)** Beatiful **(Beat-iful?)** Psyco **(P-syco.)** Topaz (not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet) **(HOLY SHITTY FAN FICTION AND MARY SUE BATMAN!)** n i live in waschington **(Okay, one: that sounds racist. "Was-ching-ton"? What the hell? Two: I'm very offended that you can't even spell the wettest state in the continental U.S. (which I happen to be a native born Washingtonian, so that only worsens it) correctly.)** wif my sister Midnite **(Oh hey, you misspelled "midnight" dumbass.)**. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires. we feest on blood n no1 else noes dat we are vampirs. not evn are mom wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves. yes we r LONERS. **(I think my MS Word abhors this more than My Immortal…)**

i go 2 a hi **(Oh hi there!)** school n every1 finks dat im really hot **(OH EM GEE, NO WAY!)**, i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez **(umm are her eyes suddenly albino?)**. i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes **(NO SHIT me too, but mine are from anemia and sometimes lack of sleep.)**, (a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword **(…"Ed-Word"?)** has dem too and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok.) i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop **(you mean "misanthrope"? And who the hell uses a word like that?)** (a/n loook it up) that menz i hate other ppl accept midnite.

one day i met a realli sexi vampore **(Am I the only one who thinks "Vampore" sounds like a Southern Asian country? Probably because I'm thinking of Singapore, Malaysia)** named EDWARd CULLENS he haz realli white skin lyk me **(And over 80% of the white people population in Washington, including myself)**. he is satan's gift to dis planet (a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart.) **(Well, that doesn't sound inane AT ALL.)** so anywey i met him i nda skewl n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann. she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat **(Honey, she's a Sue, just like you, what else can you expect?)**. edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous **(assuming you mean "adventurous", how does one smile in a way that's sexy and adventurous?) ** n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine. **(Wait, I'm no Twilight expert (actually, I have the utmost distain for the series- no offence or disrespect to those who like Twilight, I just am not a fan) but doesn't Edward have **_**gold**_** eyes, not topaz ones? I mean you the dumbass writer said that Twila has topaz colored eyes.)**

"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass **(Happy donkey?)** ghetto ppl **(What? There aren't "Ghetto people" in Washington, I mean people and places that are hella sketch, but not "ghetto". PLUS aren't you being racist/stereotypical?)** in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran away. i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite **(*repeats that several times* "n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite"? Oh. Wait that must be your perverse way of saying "and it's like 'yeah, whose tuff now haha.' Right," yes?)**

neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob. ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose wnated 2 meet me. n his sisters alice **(You know, if you say "Alice" in a French accent it sounds like my middle name "Elise" (just saying.)**, rosmarie, jasper n emet all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2.

so we kut skewl early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way. **(Uhh…)**

when we got there carlose **(So is their adopted father now Hispanic?)** came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty **(Go figure.)**

"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive" he teasd me seductevly. ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly, all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married.

"Yea thats me lol" i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite) **(Yeah, because Forks is TOTALLY in Washington, "Japanese".)** "nice to met you i said.

"So i hear ur a vampir, cum in my house n we can talk about it." **(Please don't cum in their house, it's rather impolite.)**

I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends. **(ASDFGHJKL REALLY? Oh boy!)**

XXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE 1XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD **(Okay.*says nothing*)**


	2. Chapter 2

FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. mi engish is fine **(Yeah, can't you tell?)** u dnt hav to b a bytch about it u fukkin homos **(Just to be clear, that's not an insult. Here's the real meaning: Homo-noun-1. the genus of bipedal primates that includes modern humans and several extinct forms, distinguished by their large brains and a dependence upon tools. Compare archaic Homo. 2**. **a. a member of the genus Homo. b. the species Homo sapiens or one of its members.)** if u lik bella i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced. i red dis book a lot of tims i fink i no der names.

and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE. OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER **(Of course she is! Who else could have single handedly written the world's worst Harry Potter fan fiction AND started a string of horrible fan fictions AND ruined the idea that fan fictions can be good. (these are just my humble opinions by the way) **

OK HERE IS CHAPTA 2. **(OHMISATAN! IM SO EXCITEFACE *pees pants from excitement*)**

XXXXXXXXXXXXX CHAPTER 2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered and den appered at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that.) **(Teleport you mean?)** he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans **(Mi. Chemical. Romans. What.)**. i started 2 sing in my beatifull voice **(*le gasp* It's the voice of Satan's angels!)** "Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?" every1 gasped, even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me. OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths. **(OH NOES!)**

"WOT R U DOING?" i creamed **(Didn't I ask you not to do that? It's very impolite! So I know not to invite to my house… As if I'd let you in in the first place.)**. deir eyes were red n they had all turned in2 savagez. den they stoppd and confused.

"Sorry Twila." edward sed. "sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts. it wnt hapen agen" puting bak on mi clothe.** (When I was asking my best friend for an idea of something good to say, she said a couple of things: "aww gawd isn't it bad enough I already read that trainwreck of an English sentence once? xDDD" and "I can't even comprehend how someone could make freaking Cheddward Cullen even more of a Gary Stu than he already is, but then I read that sentence & my mind is completely blown." And also, isn't the "beast mentality" thing saved for werewolves? (My best friend said something pretty similar to that too))**

"Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me" i excplaned. they all understod.** (They "understod" that you're a whore-ish Sue? Don't you think they should have figured that out at the beginning?)**

"it must be ur blood" sed carlose in horrofied. "Beauty, u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world, evry vampir wil want to drink it. itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?" **(Wait, isn't Twila a vampire too? I mean, vampires can drink vampire blood if my memory serves me correctly, it's just ill-advised.)**

"Dat bytches nam is bella" sed jasper growling **("suddenly becoming a 'ghetto person'")**. Midnite **(omgwfbbq. Where the hell did Midnite come from?)** hugged him so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk. **(Which reminds me of "Half Life: Full Life Consequences" and the line "Henry Freeman and the people walked fast like waves to the Combine Tower that was big like the sky.")**

"twila, i wnat u 2 marri me" sudenly screemed alise hu was a plebian. **(Plebian-Member of the general citizenry. Which also goes pretty well with "Mi Chemical Romans")** edward rowred at her, furius n all protective n sudenly... he htransformed! **(Shit son!)**

"OMFG NOOOO" i shouted **("OMFS(geddit? Satan coz im gof- I'm done.) YEEEESS!" Jayme roared as she creeped up on the scene.)** cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt. eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels. **(His mussels busted open with shirt? Is he hungry for sea food?)** his topazz eyez turnd pure blak with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice

"TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI" **(look bro, you can have her. No one else in "Was-ching-ton" would. Trust me.)** he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik **(let me guess, something related to a music vid-)** in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her **("OOOOH~ That's a bingo! :D" (forever love, Hans Lander3))**. He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me. **(Fuck the what?)**

"Guyz guys" i suddenly compromized "Guess wat srry im not a lebian." alice started 2 cry tearz of blood. "Y r her tears blood" i asked all curios** (Because according to real writers, vampires cry blood (which, there are a lot of writers who say that, but I'm not one of them)**

"Oh no this is bad" said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time. **(Oh? What was he doing? Wait. I don't want the answer to that question.)** "wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims, shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN" **(That is the most idiotic thing I've ever read, and trust me, I read some pretty idiotic things.)**

Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh **(she tried to "any various weedy plants of the genus Vicia" your flesh?)** but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me** (Of course not, you're a conceded whore used for self-fulfillment3)** n her throat flew open. n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it. **(ALICE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, use a napkin.)**

"Ohh mi satan" i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. edward jus laughed "its ok babe" he said nd kissed me for da 1st time! (He had turned back from blak ed to white ed (a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET) **(Umm. No such manga or character exists. Hatsuharu and Fruits Basket do.)** n he was calm agen.) "Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life."

so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf. we had berger king **(Wait. Don't the Twilight vampires NOT eat people food?)** 4 diner bcuz i had 2 hurry. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my **(But he's dead. He's cold.)**. his body waz so warm **(*beats head against my desk repeatedly*)** n i culdnt wate to c him agen.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTA **(*head shoots up* FINALLY!)**


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